The Ultimates #9

With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.

Soooo. Last issue we left off with Jan in hospital after being attacked by her husband, Hank. Cap has tracked him down, and is going to have a friendly talk with his obviously unwell teamma - ha ha no, he's going to kick the shit out of him.

It's kind of bad ass, actually. Cap forces Hank to go huge so that he can issue an even more humiliating smackdown.

Steve, baby. You're kind of amazing. Hank, on the other hand, is trying to explain his actions by saying "no! Don't you see? Drugs made me do it!"

ohhh, that explains it

Uhh. No honey. Just. No.

So the members of the team who aren't currently being shitstains and or vigilante thugs are preparing to head off to Micronesia to take on the shapeshifting aliens. Remember them? A little bit of weird banter between Bruce and his ex Betty remind us that they are a super bad threat, you guys. So bad that S.H.I.E.L.D. are bummed that wife-beater Hank can't help out. Never mind the fact that Jan is also sitting the mission out, given the fact she is currently in hospital after he forced her to shrink down to an inch and then sent an army of ants to bite, attack, and otherwise fuck her day up.

Betty does, however, point out the irony in Bruce criticising Hank's behaviour.

Now if only she would stop feeling so flattered when Bruce hulks up and tries to rape her.

Tony and Natasha have a moment as they wait for the plane to fuel up, and Nat mentions that Clint calls his wife and kids to say goodbye before every mission he goes on.

WIFE AND KIDS, CLINT HOW COULD YOU. Ahem. Tony also takes yet another opportunity to mention that he just loves to drink, he loves it so much.

why is tony always in his underwear?

I also don't understand what this is all about:

other than needless homophobia. In a Marvel comic? le gasp.

Meanwhile, Steve visits Jan in hospital to drop off some pressies, and she promptly tells him to go fuck himself, and further, she quits the team. She's requested a S.H.I.E.L.D. posting in Germany! Fucking yes, that is exactly what I'd do too, Jan. You are one smart abuse victim cookie.

Apparently the Magneto-twins (Scarlet Witch & Quicksilver) have a 'chest infection' which I guess is Nick-Fury-speak for 'are seriously still evil you guys, have you even heard of the Brotherhood?', and will not be joining them for their jaunt to Micronesia. Tony is very mature about the whole thing.

Predictions for next issue? I think I might stop making predictions for the upcoming issues. Who knows? Maybe I'll go back and just type in hints after I read them. Maybe I'll just weep into my Special K about how awful these stories are. Tune in next time for ish 10 to find out!

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