The Ultimates #6

With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.

Hooooooooooooooly crap guys. Last issue things took a turn for the douche, and this issue things just keep getting worse. We open at the Triskadillyleolio, where all the people who got crushed in the wave of the rape!Hulk are being treated, and Betty the Worst Ex In The World is talking to Fury about how she feels responsible for her psycho ex-boyfriend drugging himself and going on a rampage trying to get into her pants.

No, Betty. It's really not.
Once again, Tony Stark provides the light comic relief, hosting a little bromantic date for himself, Steve and Thor. Let's see how that's going.

Cap came in dress greens! Could he be any more adorable, I think not. Meanwhile, Thor is rocking the kind of dress casual you'd expect to see in the ads for skiing holidays from the 80s. Also, a French maid in pink high heels? Really Tony? Really?

So for a few pages we get the Sassy Tony Show, Starring Sassy Tony, which is awesome. I like how he has designed his pad for maximum drama, and can at any moment FLING some doors open for effect.

Also, he can't go three speech bubbles without mentioning how much he loves booze or being rich! What great, subtle storytelling and characterisation we're getting here you guys.

Unfortunately, while Tony is being a walking cliche, we are treated to a fight scene featuring Giant Man and Wasp. This whole sequence made me super uncomfortable. Hank's jealous that Jan is friendly with other men! She wishes he would stop working so much and go out on proper dates with her! Blah blah typical boring marriage woes, why is it that books, tv, and movies can never show a couple having interesting arguments instead of this suburban cliche bullshit OH MY GOD HANK WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WOAH SLOW DOWN THERE BUDDY. NOT COOL. NOT COOL! You were my favourite! AHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE. Jan fights back though, and they kind of get this weird vibe going where you think that maybe this is all some kind of elaborate and creepily accurate rough rape play but no! She shrinks down to wasp-size and hides under a table, and he uses his wacky ant helmet to SIK MILLIONS OF ANTS ON HER.


Meanwhile, check out what Tony wears to dinner. Wait, wasn't he in a suit just a few pages ago? Are they afraid I won't remember that he's kind of a self-indulgent hedonist billionaire type unless they are constantly portraying him in a Hugh Heffner robe? Jesus christ.

But party time is over you guys because Tony has a brain tumour and may only live for another six months! What a fun episode this has been.

Hank Pym, AKA I Want To Be Reed Richards When I Grow Up.

Predictions for next issue: Hawkeye? I'm gonna stop asking for Hawkeye, since apparently what happens when I ask for Hawkeye is that women get turned into sexual assault apologists and then get smacked around and eaten by insects controlled by their husbands. Onwards to ish #7, and the start of Book Two, and we'll find out, I guess!

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