The Ultimates #5

With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.

After Bruce Banner finds out his shitty-ass ex is having dinner with Freddie Prince Junior (no, seriously) he gets so mad he turns into the most rapey gross Hulk of all time.

This issue was a family size serving of D:

Hulk does what Hulk does best, which is to fuck up all the shit, but this time he does it while threatening to rape Betty! Fun for the whole fa- wait, no. That's not actually fun for anybody.

Tony Stark, the light of my life and my one true spark of hope, does try to inject the issue with a touch of humour, by revealing his choice in under-armor garments.

Heh. Hehehehehe heh. Tony wears a g-string! Okay now back to the rape!Hulk.

Wasp decides the best way to distract the rape!Hulk is to flash him. Good plan, sweetheart.

So then they put Betty and Freddy Prinz in a helicopter and use them as bait, and Thor shows up because Bush doubled the USA's foreign aid budget, which was his condition for joining the team (oh man how much do I love hippy!Thor, so much). Cap tries to inject him with a Hulk-tidote but it doesn't work, so Wasp flies inside the Hulk (?) and stings him in his brain. This turns him back into the apparently mild-mannered and pathetic Bruce Banner, who is totally harmless and naked. Cap offers him a helping hand lol no just kidding he kicks him in the face.

Because Captain America: Fuck Yeah. That's why.

Predictions for next issue: HAWKEYE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE, HAWKEYE! Have Bruce walk off a cliff so I never have to deal with "horny Hulk" ever again, and let Clint be sassy and amazing. Onwards to ish 6!

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