With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.
We begin this issue with a close up of Tony's drunk-ass face, which is one of my favourite things, as you guys know. A couple of days after joining the team he takes off to hang out in space with some fictional(?) actress whose name I already forget, even though they helpfully drew her in a jumpsuit with a fucking name tag.
Shanon Elizabeth, right. Is she a real actress? I don't know. I don't think so.
Tony are you drinking champagne out of a ZIP LOCK BAG WITH A STRAW, IN SPACE? This is why you're my favourite. In my day I have been known to fill empty apple juice containers with wine so that I can casually drink myself into oblivion at the family dinner table, but when in space one must make the most of it!
So anyway, Jan takes Steve shopping because apparently he was wearing bellbottoms? Or something? I dunno. Why would he be wearing bell bottom jeans? He's from the 40s, not the goddamn 70s. WHAT. Jan is just the cutest, though. Seriously.
Look at her adorable face! Steve, honey, don't tell women that you're older than their fathers, it is indeed creepy.
Do you know what else is creepy? The neighbourhood you live in, Steve. Jesus, that place looks like you're gonna catch hepatitis just from looking at it. And don't get me wrong, I've lived in some piss holes in my time, but honestly.
So naturally Steve gets robbed the second he gets his vintage record collection all alphabetised, and we switch happily to a public training session gone wrong, with Betty Ross AKA I Am A Mean Ex-Girlfriend Watch How Mean I Am.
She tells Hank that since he's such a failure of a scientist and has failed to deliver a super soldier serum, he is a huge failure. Also, the only team member who's bothered to show up to the training exercise is Giant Man, and this is fine with me, because Hank Pym being sassy for cameras is my favourite.
So anyway we get a brief mention of Hawkeye this issue, but sadly Mr Barton does not make an appearance. Who does? THOR, BITCHES. And not just "WHAT HO, MORTALS! I AM THE SON OF ODIN AND THE ALLSPEAK DOES NOT TRANSLATE IDIOMS OR SLANG SO VERILY I SHALL TALK THUSLY FOR ALL TIMES" Thor, oh no. This Thor is a sassy hippy! A sassy anti-military-industrial-complex-hippy. Check it.
AT FIRST I WAS LIKE, WAIT. IS THAT MICKEY ROURKE'S IVAN VANKO? But no, it's peace-nik Thor! He drinks American beer while in Norway, and just fucking hates the US military so much, you guys.
Earrings! Not sounding like an extra in a weird costume drama porno! THOR I HARDLY RECOGNISED YE.
Basically the best part of this issue was the discussion on who would play the various team members if there were ever to be an Ultimates movie. It is funny because a) the Pyms decide that Steve Buscemi would be perfect to play Bruce, which hurts his precious little scientist feelings, and b) because of this:
Nick decides that Lucy Liu should play the Wasp, and Janet sassily reminds him that there are other Asian American females who exist.
AAAAAANNNYWAY Bruce runs off to phone his ex-girlfriend who is mean, remember we talked about her earlier, and to tell her that he injected himself with a mixture of Hulk cells and Captain America blood, and he's probably gonna be the first super villain the team has to fight. She's in the middle of dinner with Freddie Prince Jr at the time, which leads to this eye-roll-worthy first line from everyone's favourite giant green rage monster.
Ugh. Anyway, Cap then gets to show off his amazing military strategy chops, by outlining his complex and detailed plan for neutralising the Hulk: "we just hit him until he drops."
Predictions for next issue: Two fucking words. HAWKEYE, BABY. Onwards to ish #5 and let's find out!
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