The Ultimates #3

With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.

So Bruce is thawing out Captain America, who has been frozen in the Arctic for over 40 years. Looks like you won't have to figure out the formula for the super soldier serum after all, Bruce! Hooray! Also, Tony owns half of Cap's ass.

My honest-to-goodness first thought when I read the beginning of this issue was that Janet looked like she was about to record a sex tape of her and Hank.

And then ten pages later when everyone's trying to calm Steve down they show up buck-ass naked!

They were totally knockin' boots and no one can convince me otherwise!

So anyway, yeah. After four decades of cryogenic freezination, Steve Rogers AKA Captain America wakes up to a very friendly hospital room full of armed soldiers. Naturally, he absorbs this knowledge rationally and dispassionately lol no just kidding he flips out, thinking it's some kind of Nazi trick.

But like I said, Hank and Janet took a quick break from experimenting with their powersif you know what I mean and got shit under control. So all that remains now is for Steve to apologise for clocking Fury in the face, and for an UNEXPECTED CALL FORWARD TO THE RDJ IRON MAN MOVIES!

That awkward moment when RDJ was Tony Stark four years before he played Tony Stark.
Anyway turns out while Cap was sleepin' Bucky hooked up with his gal Gail, and italsoturns out that those dot things were permanent, because they're still on his face 40 years later:

And oh my god he has cancer and is dying and is a grandfather and Steve is fucking adorable oh my GOD.

All my creys, forever. Gail refuses to see Steve because she made like Amy Pond and got old, so Steve goes to visit the graves of ALL OF HIS DEAD RELATIVES INSTEAD. Jesus.
Meanwhile, at the Triskadillyleolio, Bruce's ex-girlfriend has hired a few hundred male models just to be background hunks at the launch of the team, all in the name of "public relations" (just fyi, if I had S.H.I.E.L.D.'s budget, I would totally spend it on male models. Betty may just be a genius after all). Also, holy crap, do you remember when George Bush was a thing?

Next issue: Less heartbreak please! So far I am averaging about 50% accuracy with these predictions, so just in case, I would also like to see a TONY/STEVE MAKE OUT. Onwards to ish #4!

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