With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge. Previously: #1
While attempting to recreate the super soldier serum, Bruce Banner accidentally gave himself something called "hulk cells" and now he greens up and destroys buildings. We know he is a scientist, because scientists keep unhealthy hours. Possibly because science never sleeps.
Nick is seriously fucking in charge, and he wants to put together a team of super heroes, because that's always worked out so well in the past. Luckily, Tony has graciously offered himself as Iron Man! He also has a drinking problem! But before we get to that, we need to meet Hank Pym, who is a man after my own heart and keeps candy within arm's reach at all times.
He is also unexpectedly fiiiiiiiiine, y'all! Giant Man has a serious case of 80s handsomeness, check it:
NEVER PUT THAT DUMB-ASS HELMET ON EVER AGAIN, HANKERS. Anyway, the fun size lady attached to that fine ass is Janet, Hank's wife. She can shrink! And fly! And wears a halter-catsuit, apparently. They are discussing the fact that Tony Stark has decided to play nice with Nick Fury, which leads us nicely to...
DRUNK TONY! Covered in slime? For some reason? He's a flashy alcoholic and he has a butler, who apparently makes martinis no matter what you ask for. That's okay, Jarvis, I know where your skills actually lie: sassing your employer.
You know what they say about bachelor boys who feel a constant compulsion to remind us what insatiable ladies men they are. That they (hopefully) hook up with patriotic blond super soldiers and spend the rest of the series have adorable husbandy banter?
Oh. No, I guess the answer is "walk around looking like an extra in a Ming the Merciless-inspired porno", nevermind. So. Nick takes a break from calling Tony "daddio" to explain that mutants are really bad for PR these days, and Tony gets a chance to tell us precisely how much he's worth. Spoiler: it's a lot.
Meanwhile, on the Triskadillyleolion (or whatever), mama is treated to the following full page panel, which is so majesticly arousing that Bruce starts to feel a Hulk!boner coming on.
But before he has a chance to show off some of that petty jealousy, Fury informs him that they've just fished a very attractive American-flag-shaped lump of ice out of the Arctic! Looks like it's gonna be Hulk!boner central over there!
Next issue: more naked Hank? Please? Also, lol watch Steve try to deal with technology. Onwards to ish #3!