With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.
This issue begins with a goddamn hero pose on the cover. Fuck I love Captain America. Is that weird? That's probably weird.
Anyway, to catch you up to speed, the Chitauri have invaded the Triskadillyleolion, and the Ultimates walked into a trap, where a huge-ass bomb killed them all. Seriously. That's what it says on the recap page!
"Everyone's dead, Dave."
So the green guy with the widows peak is actually a German dude called "Kieser", who was mentioned in the 40s flashback from last issue but it was so boring that I passed out and forgot about it.
He wants to know if Cap is for reals dead, which shows you he isn't very familiar with Marvel comics. All though damn if they aren't doing their bestest to make us think that the team perished in a massive explosion.
noooooo my beautiful helicarrier!
Jan continues to be a wholesale badass, but gets immediately put in a test tube for her troubles.
*snarky sass* *turns tiny* WHAT COULD GO WRONG.
THAT IS NOT BETTER, KIESER. Test tubes are never a good sign. I like how they were all "gosh, this tiny lady just will not stop getting naked! Quick, someone give her a jacket."
Anyway, now that Jan is suitably naked and trapped, Kieser begins the standard villainous monologue. Siiiiigh. This time it is one of those whole "humanity needs to be cured of free thought, for without it you would all live in peace" things. I eye-rolled at that when it popped up in Assassin's Creed, and now I shall eye-roll at it once again.
Kieser is now Shifter Al Mualim.
Goddamnit, after all the effort I went to (none) to learn their name, it turns out the Chitauri are actually the Skrulls afterall. Not sure why an alien race that considers itself as a galactic "immune system" would require quite so many swastikas, but whatever.
So blah blah blah, the Skrulls have put crazy-juice in the water and micro chips in your mobile phone, and eventually human beings will stop having that pesky "free will", problem solved. And they get to "experiment with the female form" too!
Yeah. That's not creepy.
Then some dorito-shaped UFOs show up with the fucking flimsiest plot device I've ever seen. It goes roughly something like this: QUICK, SET US UP THE BOMB, oh wait, Micronesia isn't as asploded as we'd originally thought. Iron Man has a force field?
You're goddamn right Iron Man has a force field.
MORE HERO POSING. Is it just me or does the positioning of Thor's hammer and Cap's chest-star make Mjolinir look like a guitar?
Anyway, thank goodness they're all alive, I was so afraid that the title team of the series were going to be killed off during their very first mission, even though there are still three more issues left, and a whole Volume 2 still to go *eyeroll*
Tune in for ish #12 where maybe Cap learns that women can actually serve in the United States military!