The Children's Crusade #4.5

This week, I'm recapping the Young Avengers: The Children's Crusade, a nine issue story that just wrapped up this month. You can start with my commentary of the first issue, here.

Um. So the cover for this issue claims that it is a Fear Itself one-shot, but still part of the Children's Crusade storyline. The cover seems to depict grown up versions of the Young Avengers? Some of them, anyway. There is definitely a Kate Hawkeye, an Eli Patriot, and what I think is an adult Tommy as Speed:

I sense fuckery in our futures, dear reader.

We begin with Nate fighting Kang, the man he is destined to grow up to become, because reasons. They are interrupted by a group of heroes Nate (Iron Lad) assumes to be the Young Avengers: the very team he himself assembled. EXCEPT NO, SHIT BE WHACKED.

So they're all going by slightly different, more 'grown up' names, and some of their codenames have changed. Teddy is now Captain Marvel, there's some kid going by Bucky who seems to be Eli's son, there's a FEMALE version of the Falcon? And apparently Kate and Tommy have hooked up. I AM SO CONFUSED.

I ONLY GET MORE CONFUSED as it is revealed that Kang is apparently an Avenger? And he is with Cassie? And the Vision has disabled his emotions, because they were too hard to deal with? And Kate's PREGNANT WITH TWINS?

I... just. What?

So then there's a flashback to a training montage!

in which Billy and Teddy have adorable, self-referencing banter times, and it is adorable.

Then they go on a double date with Eli and Nate, which quickly turns into a fight with some pansy-ass villain called Electro, who somehow manages to look even more campy than Namor.

Um. Nice crown of...lightening bolts? I guess?

Anyway, Electro gets away but the boys become heroes by rescuing a burning building full of people. Also, Nate gets knocked out and Billy gives him CPR, which makes Teddy just a teeeeeeeeny bit jealous.

And Nate says that was the night they realised that their primary objective was the protection of innocent people, and was the night they became the Young Avengers.

Kang informs him that some time after this beautiful night of team bonding and civilian-rescuing, the Avengers pursued Billy and Wanda to Latveria, and killed them before they could become a threat.

Nate vows to travel back in time to stop the Avengers from killing Billy, adding that since Billy saved his life that night while they were fighting Electro, Nate owes him. So he zips off on his fancy Kang chair.

Leaving a mysterious caped figure to tell Kang "you didn't have to lie to him."

Kang answers "Probably not. But it had the desired effect. Besides, I knew he'd do anything for you...


WHAT THE FUCK, Billy isn't dead, he's fucking Doctor Strange.

Billy is Doctor Strange, working with the future grown up Young Avengers, who talk Nate into disrupting the time stream to rescue Billy's younger self, because the more Nate messes with his own timeline, the more likely he is to become Kang in the future, whose ultimate goal is the destruction of the Avengers.

Next week: So...Billy and the team are all evil in the future? How the fuck did Billy turn into Strange? WHY IS SAM WILSON A WOMAN IN THIS UNIVERSE? How did Teddy get so fucking hot nevermind he was always that hot.

If you enjoyed this edition of The Comic Book Commentary No One Asked For, you might also like to read my recaps of The Ultimates Vol. 1, all though I can not in good conscience ask you to expose yourself to that travesty of a series.

No comments: