The Children's Crusade #1

The last issue of Children's Crusade just came out, so I decided to re-read the series. This was a good decision, because TEDDY IS THE GREATEST.

Writer: Alan Heinberg, Editor: Tom Brevoort, Art: Jim Cheung & Mark Morales

We begin with a recap from Billy, explaining who the team is and what their powers are, over the top of the Young Avengers taking on the Sons of the Serpent. Eli helpfully points out why they don't get along with these assholes:

One of the villainous goons tries to quote scripture at Teddy, who is unimpressed.




Okay Katy you need to get a grip, turn caps lock off, and recap something OTHER than Billy being a bamf.

Captain America, Ms Marvel and Iron Man crash the party and Sgnt. Fucktard over here threatens to detonate a nuclear bomb. Billy's response is, essentially, "come at me bro".

I don't think this guy got the memo about how Billy and Teddy respond to the other being threatened.

And then everything explodes, but it wasn't the bomb that went off. It was Teddy.

He renders the Serpent Douchenozzles comatose, because I don't know if you guys noticed or not, but he is the son of Wanda goddamn Maximoff, who has the power to alter reality as she sees fit. Those assholes are lucky they aren't dust.

A fact which has not escaped the attention of Ms Marvel, who politely but firmly insists that Billy come with the Avengers until they can work out if he's another super villain in the making.

(Insert a quick recap about the events of Avengers: Disassembled, House of M, and M-Day. Bla bla, Wanda goes baby crazy, blows up the Avengers mansion, killing Vision, Hawkeye and Cassie's dad Ant-Man, creates an alternate timeline where Magneto's family rules over Earth, and then when people start to remember the real world, she flips out and says "no more mutants", and commits mutant genocide.)

As an aside: I honestly keep thinking that Tommy is Pietro.

Anyway. Billy is all "yep you guys handled that Scarlet Witch thing so well I would be totally happy to come with you ha ha no actually fuck all y'all, I'm out" and he makes like a tree and fucks off.

Teddy and the team go after him to convince him that hey, maybe if you're trying to convince people that you're not an impulsive, unstable witch with a short fuse and incomprehensible powers, you should consider not being a diva and storming out.

Tommy, however, is like "bro, that was awesome".

Heh. Hehehhehe. Poor Tommy.

Anyway. The team are a bit scared of the fact that Billy can apparently kill people with his brain, even though, and I would like to be clear about this: HE. DIDN'T. KILL. ANYBODY, and suggest that maybe he should go talk to the Avengers and get things cleared up. Billy, hurt that his own team are afraid of him, heads home.

Where Captain America has TOTALLY dobbed on him to his parents. Rude, Steve! Anyway, then Steve tries to call them a cab back to Avengers HQ but Billy is all "uh, bitch no. I do not ride in cabs. Here, I'll continue the tradition of you riding with dudes who can fly."

Sure Steve. Pretend you don't like it when Tony holds you close. We're all buying it.

So then they have a conversation about whether Wanda is to blame for her meltdown, and about how Tommy and Billy could even possibly be her sons.

And then the next page happens, which is by far my favourite page of ANY comic book of ALL time. It has Billy subtly gloating that he's more powerful than Dr. Strange, that classic speech-bubble-to-next-page-cliffhanger reveal that I love, Cap awkwardly but sensitively trying to navigate the romantic relationship between two young men, and my favourite of all: Teddy being a goddamn bamf.
So Teddy, being a caring and awesome boyfriend, has come after them to be by Billy's side while the Avengers work out just what the frick is going on with Billy's powers.

Billy: Captain, I understand you're concerned about Billy. But if anything happens to him...


Ahem. Anyway. What follows is the scene that made me start reading these comics in the first place.

Billy finally letting himself freak out about this! Teddy being understanding and supportive! JOKES AND IMPLIED MAKEOUTS! Gah I love this scene so much, it is a beautiful representation of their personalities and of their relationship. I am also happy that they finally do get an on-panel kiss but it takes NINE GODDAMN ISSUES so I better get on with my recap, huh?

The team shows up TOMMY WHY ARE YOU SUCH A COCKBLOCK GRR to rescue them, joking that since Billy apparently has crazy terrifying unstoppable powers, they should really be on his side, and Billy tells them that they are nuts.

Cassie suggests they try to find Wanda, because, oh god you guys, Cassie wants her dad to come back to life, like Wonder Man and Clint Barton. ;_;

But before my sad feels have time to really sink in, guess who shows up!?


Next issue: The cover of the next issue features Wolverine pretty prominently. One day I am going to figure out whether sticking him on the cover helps the sales of spin-offs, but for now I will continue to take a shot every time I see a Logan cameo. IF ONLY I HAD HIS MUTANT HEALING FACTOR.

If you enjoyed this edition of The Comic Book Commentary No One Asked For, you might also like to read my recaps of The Ultimates Vol. 1, all though I can not in good conscience ask you to expose yourself to that travesty of a series.

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