The Ultimates #13

With the new Avengers movie coming out in May, I'm reading The Ultimates to familiarise myself with Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Colour commentary is provided free of charge.

In this issue we learn that Captain America is maybe not such a nice guy. I thought it was Fury who gave the order to have Bruce air-dropped in the hopes he'd Hulk out and survive the fall, but it was CAP. Also, I was not aware that the Hulk is *grey* this time around, not green. What? Why? I don't understaa... oh who cares.

Anyway, back to how Cap is a terrible human being. In order to divert the Hulk's attentions towards Kleiser Cap tells Hulk that the Skrull Nazi with a penchant for crossdressing has designs on Hulk's ladyfriend, Betty. That goes about as well as you'd expect.

Now, when a cartoon for children can come up with a more complex and sympathetic Hulk than a mainstream Marvel comic can, I think there's a problem. Earth's Mightiest Heroes may be for kids, but I would take *that* Hulk over this grey rapist any day.

Anyway, sexual assault!Hulk is deployed, and Fury thinks Cap's a genius.

Speaking of geniuses, Widow and Wasp are trying to disarm the Skrull bomb, and decide that having the genius billionare playboy philanthropist do it for them is a good idea.

Their stupid lady voices distract Clint so badly that he gets shot in the shoulder. WHAT.

Cap's next brilliant idea is to taunt the Hulk for being "a sissy".

Yes. We certainly know that all gay men are sissies, don't we, Marvel?

(Teddy 'Hulkling' Altman, apparently a 'sissy'. He's like 16 and threatens to rip Magento's legs off if any harm comes to Billy.)
Thankfully, Hawkeye has Hulk-busting arrows, and before long, Bruce is taking a nap in Clint's lap.

Back at the Triskadillyleolion, I can't even fucking describe this shit.


In a brief moment of fucking sanity, Jan tells Hank to shove it when he calls her to talk about their "break-up", otherwise known as "him being an abusive shitstain".

So then the team head to the Whitehouse to celebrate their victory, where Nat decides she wants to make Tony her "next ex-husband" (ugh). You guys know that she's not actually a black widow spider, right? There's really very little excuse for this:

but even though I think that perhaps the timing is a little tacky, Jan wanting to climb Steve like a tree is a little more understandable.

That's it, folks! All of Volume 1.

What have we learned? Making the Hulk a rapey grey douchebag seems to have worked out quite well for his relationship with Betty. Captain America is a racist, sexist, civilian-kicking asshole. Hawkeye thinks the ladies should stay off the radio so he doesn't get distracted so much. Widow is taking her codename a little to literally. Tony has cancer and drinks too much and is in completely over his head. The team repelled an alien invasion! Hank's a wife beater.

I have read a lot of people saying this series should be the basis of the movies, and I am just so, so repulsed by that. Ultimates has a lot of problems, namely the characterisation of women and women's relationships in the story. I thought the art was amazing, and the storyline compelling, but there couldn't be a bigger "no girls allowed" sign on it. I'm going to read more before I let this 'verse sully my overall impressions of the Avengers, though.

No comments: